09.18.2013

I Said the F Word A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says, "Father during the week I said the F-word." The priest says, "Well my son, say 3 Hail Mary's and your sins will be forgiven." The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation. "Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church," said the guy. "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked. "No," the guy replied. "I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough." "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked. "No," the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. "My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green." "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked. "No," the guy said. "As I went to play my ball a squirrel grabbed it and took off with it." "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked. "No," the guy replied. "As the squirrel was running away with my ball an eagle swooped down on it and took off with the squirrel and my ball." "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked. "No," the guy replied. "The eagle dropped the squirrel over the green and the ball rolled out of its mouth and finished 5 inches from the hole." The priest said, "Don't tell me - you missed the fucking putt!"

09.17.2013

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. -Mel Brooks The Divorced Barbie Ralph is driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she asks, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the sales lady replies. "The Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture."

09.16.2013

I never said most of the things I said. -Yogi Berra The Tale of an Independent Princess Once upon a time a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with mum, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to herself and thought, "I don't think so."

09.15.2013

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. -Bill Vaughan Gas Problems A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!" The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

09.14.2013

Never have more children than you have car windows. -Erma Bombeck Math at a Catholic School Little Tommy's parents had tried everything to help his math grade: tutors, flash cards, "Hooked on Math," special learning centers, everything. Finally, they enrolled him in the local Catholic school. The very first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face, went straight to his room, and started studying. His mother was amazed. Books and paper were spread out everywhere and Little Tommy was hard at work. As soon as dinner was through, he marched right back up to his room without a word and studied some more. This went on for weeks until Little Tommy proudly brought home his report card and showed it to his parents: An A in Math! "Tommy! This is great! I'm so proud of you! Son, what was it? What helped motivate you? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy shook his head. "Well, then, was it the books? The discipline? The structure? The uniforms? What?" Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, Mom, it's like this. When I saw that guy out in the lobby nailed to a plus sign, I knew they weren't screwing around!"

09.13.2013

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. -Clint Eastwood Alabamian Vasectomy After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherrybomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ...", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

09.12.2013

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. -Erma Bombeck Redneck Medical Terms Artery The study of paintings. Benign What you be after you be eight. Bacteria Back door to cafeteria. Barium What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan Searching for Kitty. Cauterize Made eye contact with her. Colic A sheep dog. Coma A punctuation mark. D&C Where Washington is. Dilate To live long. Enema Not a friend. Fester Quicker than someone else. Fibula A small lie. Genital Non-Jewish person. G.I.Series World Series of military baseball. Hangnail What you hang your coat on. Impotent Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff A Doctor's cane. Morbid A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates Cheaper than day rates. Node I knew it. Outpatient A person who has fainted. Pap Smear A fatherhood test. Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative A letter carrier. Recovery Room Place to do upholstery. Rectum Darn near killed him. Secretion Hiding something. Seizure Roman emperor. Tablet A small table. Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport. Tumor More than one. Urine Opposite of you're out. Varicose Near by

09.11.2013

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. -Don Marquis Where Enron Learned Economics A truck driver moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died." "Well, then, just give me my money back." "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." "OK, then. Just unload the donkey." "What ya gonna do with him?" "I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with the truck driver and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and I made a profit of $898." "Didn't anyone complain?" "Sure, but just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."

09.10.2010

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. -Robert Orben Just Three Words A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude as to stare, the young man whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse, and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

09.09.2013

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you. -Robin Williams Artificial Intelligence A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working. "Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!" She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it. She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying "On The Road Again" when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision. "Idiot!" she yelled and, from the radio, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."

09.08.2013

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. -Katharine Hepburn The Fallen Parishioners An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!" Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word "fallen" instead. From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen." This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!" The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"