08.31.2013

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.' -Claude Pepper Redneck First-Aid Two Southerners were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard an awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a Specialty Burger too fast. The first Southerner said to the other, "Think we otta hep?" "Yep," said the second. The First Southerner got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head no. "Kin yew speak?" he asked. She again shook her head no. With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe with great relief. The First Southerner turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."

08.30.2013

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. -George Burns PRE - RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him"): 1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship(colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere. 2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.") 3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market." 4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" the "wounded party" agrees to "give up". 5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities. 6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that -- respective gross income aside "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: He considers her suitably impressed, He is broke, or He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!" Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time. 7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Both will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess". 8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and -- using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married." 9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word ... "Gone." 10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship: •Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend, •Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex used to do that same exact thing."

08.29.2013

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. -Lily Tomlin Dear Redneck Son I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends ran off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Mom P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

08.28.2013

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. -Jerry Seinfeld Women: The Best Troops Around Take all American women who are within five years of menopause. Train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally. Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble. We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose. We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all! We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events... finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem. Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years... we understand tribal warfare. Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it... with or without the government's help! Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.

08.27.2013

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime. -Red Skelton State Mottos Alabama Hell Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona But It's A Dry Heat Arkansas Literacy Ain't Everything California By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda Colorado If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It - Yet Delaware We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water Florida Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois Please Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It Massachusetts Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan First Line Of Defense From The Canadians Minnesota 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes Mississippi Come And Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work Montana Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else Nebraska Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada Hookers and Poker! New Hampshire Go Away And Leave Us Alone New Jersey You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! New Mexico Lizards Make Excellent pets New York You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney.... North Carolina Tobacco Is A Vegetable North Dakota We Really Are One Of The 50 States! Ohio At Least We're Not Michigan Oklahoma Like The Play, Only No Singing Oregon Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania Cook With Coal Rhode Island We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee The Educashun State Texas Si' Hablo Ing'les Utah Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont Yep Virginia Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers! Washington, D.C. Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia One Big Happy Family... Really! Wisconsin Come Cut The Cheese Wyoming Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared

08.26.2013

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. -P. J. O'Rourke Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped. Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million. Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Texas executes last remaining citizen. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes before installation is completed. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.

08.25.2013

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. -Natalie Wood The Roosters An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he bought a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turned him loose in the barnyard. The old rooster saw the young one strutting around and he got a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thought the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this." He walked up to the new bird and said, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well, I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." The young rooster was of a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!" So the two roosters went over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begun and all the hens started cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster was still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead had slipped a little but he was still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continued to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he was just barely in front of the young rooster. By now the farmer heard all the commotion. He ran into the house, took his shotgun, and ran out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something was after his chickens. When he got there, he saw the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately took his shotgun, aimed, fired, and blew the young rooster away. As he walked away slowly, he thought to himself, "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month..."

08.24.2013

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. -Bill Cosby The Rules of Bedroom Golf: Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

08.23.2013

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. -Mark Twain THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her. The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now. You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

08.22.2013

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. -Rodney Dangerfield Question: Why did the chicken cross the road? Answers: Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American. Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999. The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was. Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. L.A. Police Department: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens. Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed it, I've not been told! Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature. Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette. Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being. John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty. Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him. Mulder: It was a government conspiracy. Scully: It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens. Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads. Darwin #2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?" The Pope: That is only for God to know. Immanuel Kant: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will. Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time. George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests. Colonel Sanders: I missed one? Plato: For the greater good. Aristotle: To actualize its potential. Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability. Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you. B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill. Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road. Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road? The Sphinx: You tell me. Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death. Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. O.J.: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.