08.26.2013

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. -P. J. O'Rourke Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped. Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million. Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Texas executes last remaining citizen. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes before installation is completed. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.